For all those out there thinking, the bad times have been low mostly because of guilt, lost ambitions, endless regrets and unfullfilled ideas...Vierna would say that it is all a matter of stop wyining and get it over, BITCH!!... but of all people she should know that it is not THAT easy... The strenght to do it would be there but the will...ahhh... the precious will is the one that abandons and laughs at you...People always say that when there is a will there is a way...It is completely true, since when the blues arrive you have no will or desire and you are entangled in the arms of Carelessness...And sometimes it is even worst when you deny everything you feel and blind yourself from the reality...
It is been years that I have been ignoring many things, thinking that I had accepted them when in reality I didnt...My sons troubles are what have been consuming my lifeforce all of these years...I cared only to look for something to do to help...Doctors, therapists, pei's, behavior plans, evaluations, meds but I never truly accepted how he is...I was always told to change him so he would be like everybody else...should he? I know his behavior is odd, making him stand out and at the same time be apart of everyone...The first years he didnt care but now it is a big matter because he is able to understand the rejection... Vierna is mad because all I talk about is about my kids...May be true, but being unable to actually do something to help him has lead me to that...For some his situation may be my own fault because he does what he does to manipulate me or others...?????? If that would be true wouldnt he had stop bangging his head years ago? What about the idea of killing himself or others because that is what he likes or loves? Wouldnt you love to see him walk up and down shaking his hands and talking to himself non stop? He is in some ways better but other times he gives a 360 turn around for the worst.....
Add to that not finishing a degree, having to actually pay someone to talk about the kids troubles knowing that I wouldnt bother him, no space saving life, no time for hobbies, movies, internet, little money, no help with kids, a six day work week, a dad in denial, a very limited amount of friens, no social life....No wonder I had 2 jobs before....plus the housework, my loving cats and dogs...It just hit me hard and I couldnt take it any more...One day I went to my son's Healer...telling him that after many months of my usual insomnia I started hating everybody around me...My home, job, even my kids...all I ever wanted was to get far away....and leave everything...So a potion was given....working wonders but I cant relay on it forever....So I decided to store the potion for other times...Without it there are good, bad and horrible days I'll see how it goes...Well this is way too long I should save some for the next time...
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You haven't lost your will, you have been focused into the wrong things, that's different. Feel frustrated, feel without direction, feel tired... but never give up. Even if the process is slow, if you dont stop you will get what you want in the end.
You will finish college soon. After that you will have more time for yourself and everything else. Remember that you cannot do anything about the kids if you are the first one that is not in control.
Also remember that having a condition or not, kids reflect what they have around them. You have yelling and screaming and chaos all the time, they will do the same. You need control and serenity, difficult tasks if you are at the end of your rope... but its not a matter of choice for you. Either you apply control and serenity, or the whole ship will sink.
If you get no rest, if your mind do not breathe for a moment in a daily basis, if chaos is constant 24/7... then everyone else will reflect that especially getting back at you. I understand all you do, I just ask you not to forget that in the story of your life YOU are the main character. As such, you need to remember to be NICE to yourself first, so you can be NICE to everyone else. As such, you need to empower yourself, be in charge of your self. Only then will you be able to channel properly everything that the kids need.
Yes, the boy is a handful. You handle the bad. You enjoy the good. Provide the best environment for him (and that doesnt exactly mean to provide what HE wants, as you usually do). His condition is worsened by video games, you know it. In the long run you will be his 24/7 teacher at home simply because he is brilliant. Keeping meds constant is another must, stop playing by ear. Indulge his curiosity with tasks that takes him away from tv. The boy copies everything about his father... you have to make his father truly understand that fact. Language, demeanor, people skills... He treats you as his dad treats you, and that alone should be one main concern.
No raised hand will change any behavior simply because the child is very smart and cunning, that is something his condition thrives on. So you must be in serene control, and adress him in a way that truly calls his attention.
I understand that it is not heavenly bliss dealing with all things you deal with at a daily/hourly basis, but I do believe it is a matter of thinking less, simplifying yourself about everything that eats up your mind and time. Do not allow yourself to fall in the careless stage because the only thing you do with that is sink yourself, and with that you sink any progress you have made with the boy as well.
Believe it or not, I made a point of reading a lot about the boy's condition. I researched the matter right away ever since I knew about it. Instead of being concerned about the physical aspects, be amazed by the mind it harbors. He will have many tools to make himself productive, I wouldn't worry so much about the "fitting within society's boundaries" issue. As you already know, we have all been branded anyway as something we are not. Work on his confidence on himself, provide the tools so he can quench his thirst for knowledge,provide tools so he can help himself, provide a chaos-free environment that reflects the order that he needs in his mind.
It is all about direction. That is your duty in his life. For that you need to BELIEVE you are in control. And in order to be in control you need to exercise some tough love with yourself and everyone around you.
You lost your will? That's not true. You have just become numb to trying making sense of your life by accepting mediocrity. Remember that "sitting still and wishing makes no man great, the good Lord sends the fishing but you must dig the bait." You are much more than you perceive right now. View problems as challenges to win, battles to conquer. Get tired, rest, but do not stop. You got yourself into your situation and you can get out of it. In the end you will understand just how much you have grown in the process, and you will be very proud.
I do not intend to judge you or to tell you how to live your life. I just wish you could experience your life unbiased by feelings, because feelings clouds judgement. Feelings are the real enemy, the dragon to tame. And of being biased and making so many wrong choices because of feelings, I have graduated with high honors. Your life can be filled with splendor, if only you acknowledged the gifts you have. The boy was given to you so he would bring out the best in you. Now, it's time to bloom, girl. Show the world, and especially show yourself what you are made of. I know you won't dissapoint.
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