Of times past

For quite a long time I have ignored things of the past...I used to belive that by ignoring or simply setting aside things would improve or be different. Even I thought that by leaving everything and superficially starting over I would forget...But one can run but never hide...Eventually things suddenly appear, showing themselves as if they happened yesterday...Or a situation may happen that reminds of what it was like...
Recently I had some conversations that bothered me. I came across a member of my family whose grandfather died sometime soon. In some part of the conversation she questioned why I had stop visiting them as a child; she remembered how I used to refuse to stay with her and her grandfather and how much he asked for me. She remembered this because even in his last days he would request for me...and I always refused. At first I didnt knew what to say, what did it matter now? Then she started rambling about respect, how he used to take care of us and that all he wanted was to say goodbye...I just bite my lips..wondering what to say...My memories of his care arent the same ones as hers..Well I am sure she will never speak to me again but I couldnt go see him...Maybe I should have...but sickness and the certainity of death doesnt make a person better...or are reasons enough.
Then my appointment with a doc...I had to go since I am a little lost in handling my sons behavior...During the conversation surfaced an incident with my son were he was molested by another kid, and apparently it may be another sttresor for his behavior based on memories appearing and him not being able to handle them. Plus the doc understood that I had too many issues with the situation either of not capable of handling my son's or because of incidents of my own...or both. I was speechless..All I could tell him was that I needed to find ways to help my son..So we booked another appointment...It is funny how you go to a doc with certain ideas on mind and everything is turned upside down in an instant. Its like getting an slap telling you to wake up and face it!!!!! Then there was Friday night...having that feeling of out of body experience, you dont feel as a whole or even as human...makes one wonder for how long can one be trapped inside a fear or in a mind?
Would it be better to keep writting? I am not sure... but I need to find ways to let it go...or it will consume me. I need my hopes back...and believe again that Neverland is on the second star to the right...