A tale of..

On Saturday night I couldnt sleep...and didnt want to do anything either...I was restless and decided to browse blogs to entertain myself. It was fun to see all the things people from around the world would post about; from the serious to the hilarious....Until I stumbled into one made by a woman from Finland, who was living in the states since she got married 3 years ago. She had decide to create the blog as a form of therapy and a way to inform others...You see she was raped in her home by a friend of her husbands family exactly 2 years ago. In there she had info about legal issues, definitions, therapy, statistics and her story during and after the rape...
Plus the blog didnt only show her story but also of other women who had shared theirs. In the guestbook many women left their support but many others were looking for it too. Normally I wouldnt like to read this kind of stuff but it amazed me how she thought that by writting and telling to anyone she might free herself of the memories. But what caught my attention even more was that she explained, she didnt knew why or how, but she had unplugged herself, even shut down and saw everything as it had happened to someone else...Unplugged ...By doing that she was able to control herself in all aspects wich was a blessing at first...and a nightmare later on. But I was amazed to find someone that uses the same words as I have to explain what it is to some unexplainable.
Is it really? Is it really so hard to understand? There is a girl in the site that she recalls that after the incident she didnt tell anyone and started on a quest to feel as she did before. No matter how many times she had sex with someone she no longer felt anything...Her body reacted up to a point and then there was nothing. For her it was a meaningless act and it wasnt until she look for therapy that things started to change. I guess it is all a matter of accepting and letting go...isnt it?
In that sense I guess that one has to accept that family would be the first to teach you to be afraid of what you dont understand and cant explain..I remember how he used to say that there was nothing wrong..That touching was like exploring, learning..and I was young enough to learn....Was I glad when I didnt have to see him and when he finally moved out...Years later just when you think you are in control you realize that you arent...Someone decides to choose for you and welcome you into a whole new world...Again I was afraid and unsure if I should say anything, nobody believed me before why should anyone believe me now? I remember once I did try open up...On one side it felt ok since I discovered that I wasnt alone but on the other it felt as if I had made the worst mistake...And I was just starting to make many mistakes...
But that is a part of life, falling into the dark abyss and find your way back out...I guess that is something that touched me even more..In very little time she had been able to heal herself whereas many years have passed and I am still unable to forget, to let go and grow out of it...Still I wonder why?

I remember he had asked me to marry him and I declined..I wanted to do so much, so many dreams..marriage seemed like a cage and I still had hopes to go to Sagrado...Then that night..I remember him saying that he had taken all that I had to give and I would never be able to forget him..In that he was right...I have never been able to...